Alfie Scheinman

Alfie Scheinman


Over the last 300 years of doing this program it’s been important that all encompassing philosophies of food are given a chance to wander round the prison yard freely, without fear of being used as an unwitting shadow puppet for a gang chewing plasticine or becoming part of the warden’s ill-fitting tuxedo plan.

For today’s meal you will need:

One Baltic Sea Anomaly.
Four miles of bee skin.
A sanitary towel made of Lego.
Two winning tickets to Picasso’s first dream.
A Polaroid photograph of Nikola Tesla painting faces onto a thousand chick peas to create a chick pea army that pushes themselves into every pore on Thomas Edison’s body causing him to sing violently into a bucket.
3D glasses for a spider.
The Elephant Man’s Commodore 64.
A first edition of Myspace, hardback, signed by Willow the Wisp and containing the lyrics to Beethoven’s 5th on the back of a leaf from a holographic oak tree.

Cooking instructions:

Become so calm that your eyeballs start to orbit your head. Soon, other people’s eyes will leave their bodies to join the orbiting of your head until every eyeball available to humanity is circling your sun-like skull. Billions of windows to billions of souls form a cosmic ballet of spinning motion around you. Some collide and form super-eyes that grow so big they implode, sucking in the eyes around it.
Some people will resent you in their blindness, some will accept this as the natural fate of mankind but a few, maybe 12 or 13, will fall in love with you and will hunt around their personal darkness for the briefest of physical contact.
After a week next millennium, there will be just two super-eyes circling you left, each as big as Europe.
It’s time. You reach out towards them and they stop above you, both staring down at you through pupil-black oceans. You are the only human left. The eyes of the combined feel sympathy and gratitude for your loss, scoop you up and eat you alive.
Now take the chicken and remove the beak. Place the beak on your brain and let it chew downwards. Now you have the knowledge of all poultry. Take this information to the Sisterhood of Limpet Philosophy and when you return, I will be a child and you will be an old man.

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